


You, Just You

by Zucheenee



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mostly Canon Compliant, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Post-Canon, Post-Graduation, Renee Centric, Slow Build, Slow Burn, renison is the main ship all the others are bg ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11039952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zucheenee/pseuds/Zucheenee
Summary: Allison grabbed another slice of pizza, leaning back in her chair. Renee worried, not for the first time, that she'd fall and give herself a concussion. Allison sighed and flicked a lock of long blonde hair behind her shoulder, suddenly looking up and meeting Renee's eyes. "Boys are just so stupid, right?" She said, smiling prettily at Renee. Allison always smiled prettily, and Renee wanted to die."Right."In which Allison can't seem to find the right man, and Renee wishes Allison would get a clue.





	You, Just You

**Author's Note:**

> i've been wanting to write a renison fic for a while, so this happened
> 
> as far as a timeline goes, i'm thinking that this takes place about 5 years after the upperclassmen graduate
> 
> also i've read a lot of stuff about post TKM on Nora's blog and have changed it as i see fit, so keep in mind that some of that info will be incorporated and some will be changed
> 
> one more thing: I looked up some stuff on the Peace Corps and NYC (i've only been like, once in my life), but i've taken some liberties so pls forgive inaccuracies 
> 
> hope y'all enjoy!!

_"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,_

  
_I love you simply, without problems or pride:_

  
_I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving"_

— Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet XVII: Love"

 

Renee wasn't surprised when Allison entered her apartment unannounced carrying a pizza. What was surprising, however, was the scowl on her face and irritated quirk of her brow. Renee wondered for a moment if the paparazzi finally managed to find out where she lived, or if Allison's new hire really turned out to be another suck up. Renee got up from the couch, putting the movie on pause before making her way to the kitchen, where Allison was rummaging through the fridge. She leaned against the archway, clearing her throat.

 

"I'm trying to decide what will kill me quicker." Allison said as she turned around, holding two bottles of liquor in her hands. One was a bottle of vodka, the other a half full bottle of whiskey. Neither belonged to Renee, and were only there at Allison's behest. "Any suggestions?"

 

"I think Kevin could give you better advice on that matter." Renee said, lips quirking into a slight smile when Allison snorted ungracefully. After a moment's deliberation, she put the vodka back and poured herself a small glass of whiskey on the rocks. "Rough day?" Renee said as she pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. Allison nodded, scrubbing a hand down her face as she fetched paper plates. Renee accepted one gratefully, taking a slice of pizza and waiting for Allison's explanation.

 

"Oliver is being an ass." Allison said after a long drink of whiskey. Renee frowned, deflating slightly at the mention of Allison's latest boyfriend. "I thought he was going to be the sweet sensitive type, you know? I guess he's just a broody pain in the ass artist." Allison said as she got herself a slice of pizza. Renee nodded in agreement.

 

"What did he do this time?" Renee asked, pushing down every thought of wrongness. Allison was her best friend, probably straight, and Renee was a bisexual disaster. Allison rolled her eyes, huffing once.

 

"Apparently not showing up because inspiration suddenly struck him is an acceptable reason to stand me up." Allison said, venom dripping from every word. "I don't have the luxury of a flexible schedule, not when I run my own damn department." She said before taking a particularly vicious bite of pizza. Allison was dressed to the nines, and Renee had no doubt that the dress she wore was of her own design. "He just ditched me, can you believe that? I had to call him to find out where the hell he was."

 

"Very inconsiderate of him." Renee said. Allison grabbed another slice of pizza, leaning back in her chair. Renee worried, not for the first time, that she'd fall and give herself a concussion. Allison sighed and flicked a lock of long blonde hair behind her shoulder, suddenly looking up and meeting Renee's eyes. "Boys are just so stupid, right?" She said, smiling prettily at Renee. Allison always smiled prettily, and Renee wanted to die.

 

"Right." Renee said, offering what she hoped was an encouraging smile. _He will never deserve you, he couldn't give you what I could._ Renee thought, like she always did when Allison came to her with boy troubles, but said nothing. "Stay the night, if you like. I'll make the futon up for you."

 

"Thanks, you're the best." Allison said, dropping the princess act for just a moment to give her a look of gratitude. Everyone always thought of her as just another pampered brat, but they didn't know her like Renee did. The thought gave her a small measure of satisfaction. They put the leftover pizza in the fridge and Allison nursed another glass of whiskey while Renee converted her futon into a bed. Renee's movie was forgotten as both girls got into pajamas, and Allison insisted on giving Renee a manicure. It wasn't Renee's favorite thing in the world, but she could never deny Allison when she pulled out the puppy dog eyes.

 

They sat on Renee's bed in silence as Allison painted Renee's nails. Allison's hair was pulled back into a loose bun, and her face was bare. Renee thought Allison could go without makeup every day and still manage to stun everyone in sight. Allison chose a soft pink to paint Renee's nails with after Renee rebuffed her flashier suggestions, as always. She'd be leaving for Peru in a week anyways; it wasn't like what her nails looked like would matter.

 

"Okay, just sit so you don't mess them up." Allison said as she finally finished, capping up the bottles to put them back in Renee's bathroom cabinet. Renee complied, resisting the temptation to scratch an itchy spot on her cheek. Allison was back quickly, plopping down on the bed in front of Renee. She checked her phone when it buzzed, only to ignore whoever was disturbing her.

 

"Oliver?" Renee asked. Allison nodded, lips pursed in a thin line. Renee didn't press, just offered a sympathetic smile. She wanted to put a hand on Allison's shoulder, on the back of her neck, run her fingers through Allison's hair, but stayed still as to not ruin her manicure. She wouldn't mind it getting ruined for that, she thought.

 

"Talked to the monster lately?" Allison asked, quickly and not so subtly changing the subject. Renee allowed it.

 

"Yesterday, he wanted to know how my bleeding heart pity projects were going." She said, using air quotes around the last few words. Allison rolled her eyes, a slight smile on her lips. "He and Neil are doing well, by the way. Their cats are menaces, according to Andrew." Andrew hadn't said so directly, or in as many words, but Renee knew him well enough to draw conclusions.

 

"Oh of course." Allison said. They looked at each other for a moment before Renee looked down at her hands lying flat on the quilt. "You're leaving soon again, right?"

 

"Next week I'm going to Peru." Renee said, nodding. Allison hummed in reply, clearly waiting for her to elaborate. "A bit different from last time, they want me to teach young children. It's a rural community, many aren't given a chance to go to school." She said, thinking fondly of past assignments. Volunteering for the Peace Corps was a predictable choice, and one Stephanie supported. Not to mention her former teammates, who always demanded pictures and post cards. "I'm looking forward to it." She said, meeting Allison's eyes. Allison was nodding slowly, brow furrowed in thought.

 

"Do you speak enough Spanish for that?"

 

"I've spent a lot of time in South America, so I'm on my way to being fluent. Besides, my partner is a native Spanish speaker." She said. Allison nodded again. "Her name is Yessica, do you remember her?"

 

"You worked with her in Colombia, right?" Allison said. Renee grinned, nodding in reply. It was such a small detail, yet Allison remembered it. A shade of something unrecognizable passed over Allison's face, too quick for Renee to ask what was wrong. "You like her." She said quietly. It felt more like an accusation than anything.

 

"I do." She said, mouth suddenly dry. Allison shifted on the bed, getting closer to Renee, who stilled in response. Allison tapped Renee's nails lightly, testing their dryness. She nodded, seemingly satisfied.

 

"You're ready to go, try not to ruin the perfection." She said, drawing back quickly. Renee could only sit still as Allison got up and stretched. "I'm tired." She said, tossing a glance over her shoulder as she left Renee's room. "See you in the morning." With that, she was gone. Renee didn't go after her, though she wanted to know exactly what had just happened. Instead, she got up and brushed her teeth, ignoring Allison on the futon. Everything was right, was normal, and somehow she'd ruined it. When she was finished, Renee closed the bedroom door behind her.

 

Underneath her quilt, Renee always felt secure. Stephanie made it for her years ago, and she still loved it, though it was getting frayed at the edges. She turned off the lamp and closed her eyes, trying to push thoughts of Allison out of her mind. It was pretty much a hopeless endeavor, but at least she tried. Renee fell asleep eventually, though it wasn't easy.

 

***

 

Renee didn't see Allison in the morning. Instead, she found a post it note on her kitchen table and the futon reverted back to a couch; the blankets were folded neatly on the kitchen table. Renee frowned as she read the note, skimming through the apology and excuse of a forgotten early morning meeting. She didn't know if it was an excuse, or something real. She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. The blankets were stored in Renee's hall closet, and she tried to go about her morning as if Allison was acting normally. Then again, what was normal for them, for any of the former Foxes?

 

She turned her thoughts to her upcoming assignment. Peru would be a new country, a new culture to learn about, a new group of people to help the best way she could. Renee ignored the pang in her heart, knowing it would be her last assignment. Her two-year contract would be up at the end of the year, and she wouldn't be renewing it for a while. For the past five years, she'd done two of the two-year contracts with the Peace Corps, with a yearlong break between. Sure, she got some time back home in America between assignments, but Renee missed the luxury of staying in one place for a while.

 

There were a few different ideas going through her mind as to her next move, but she hadn't settled on one yet. If she chose to stay in New York City after her time with the Peace Corps was over, what would she do? Part of the reason she'd moved to the city was because she wanted to be close to Allison (though she never told anyone this); the other was that she missed living in the city. Although, if she was being honest with herself, the former reason was the real honest to God truth. She'd known Allison for years, they were best friends, and Renee accepted the fact that it was all they'd ever be a long time ago. Why did she still want Allison to change her mind? It was foolish, it was inadvisable, it was.... It was hope.

 

Pushing that thought out of her mind, Renee started to pack.

 

***

 

A week later, Allison was driving Renee to the airport. She had a layover in Austin, and then another layover in Mexico City before flying to Lima. After Lima, it was a grueling bus trip through the Andes to the community she'd be serving for the next two months.

 

"Do you think llamas can give you rabies?" Allison asked suddenly, breaking the silence. Renee chuckled at that, shaking her head. "I'm serious."

 

"Oh?" Renee looked at Allison, raising a single brow. Allison glanced at her briefly, trying not to smile. "I'm sure you don't have to worry."

 

"Don't fuck with the llamas, that's all I'm saying." Allison said, eyes glued to the road. Renee laughed in reply. Another silence fell over them, more comfortable than the one before. Ever since Allison came over last weekend, things were awkward. Allison still texted her, but it was less often and more about her stupid coworkers than anything else. Whatever Renee said or did to cause it, she didn't know. She didn't want to ask. Still, Allison was driving her to the airport, and that was something.

 

The rest of the drive passed in silence, and Renee looked out the window the whole time. Finally, they arrived at the airport and Allison parked to see her off. They walked side-by-side, hands touching slightly, fingers curling in towards each other. Not quite holding hands, not quite walking separately. Eventually they got to the part where Renee would go through security, and stopped. They stood across from each other, Allison with her arms crossed, and Renee with her carry on backpack.

 

"I'm gonna miss the hell out of you." Allison murmured, barely audible in the loud airport. Renee didn't say anything, just hugged Allison tightly. She smelled nice, Renee thought, but Allison always smelled nice. Always floral, though Renee could never quite pinpoint exactly which flower. "Don't tell anyone I said that, or I'll fly to Peru and kick your ass." Allison whispered into Renee's ear, who laughed.

 

"Your secret's safe with me." Renee whispered back. She held tight, not wanting to let Allison go. Eventually, Allison released her. Renee stepped back, shooting Allison a small smile. Both girls were glassy eyed, but said nothing about it. "I'll see you in two months, okay? I'll write." She said. Allison nodded.

 

"I'll write too." Allison said. Then her phone was buzzing and she grimaced, giving her phone an exasperated look. "I'm really sorry, but it's my boss."

 

"I understand, I should get going anyways." Renee said, feeling the smallest bit of disappointment in her stomach. "See you later."

 

"Have a good trip." Allison said as she turned on her heel and accepted the call. Renee watched her go for a moment before turning and heading to the security gates. She didn't look back, just stood in line like everyone else waiting to go through the metal detector. As she passed through security and got to her gate to wait for the flight, Renee felt light. She'd have plenty to focus on in the coming two months, and she could get her mind off her completely ridiculous, unrequited crush. Really, Renee thought, this was for the best. She put her headphones in, and settled in to wait.

 

***

 

When she arrived in Lima, Renee was greeted by a tired Yessica. They both had long trips, and still had a long bus trip ahead of them. Yessica hugged Renee enthusiastically, squeezing her tightly. Renee returned the hug, grinning the whole time. When they parted, Yessica flashed her a million watt smile.

 

"It's been so long! How are you?" She asked with her usual loudness. Whether Yessica had an inside voice or not remained to be seen.

 

"I'm doing well, I've been looking forward to this trip." Renee said. Yessica nodded along enthusiastically while they grabbed their bags. "My contract's up at the end of all this."

 

"Are you going to renew?" Yessica said as they stood around the baggage claim, watching the bags slowly circle.

 

"No, I think I'm going to take some time to myself, figure out what I want to do." She said. All of a sudden, Renee spotted her black suitcase with a rainbow ribbon tied around the handle, and grabbed it.

 

"That's a good idea. This is your second time with the corps, right?" Yessica said, face lighting up when she spotted her luggage. When they both had all their bags, they headed outside to the bus.

 

"It is. How about you, what will you do once your contract is up?" Renee asked as they filed onto the bus and found seats. They settled in one aisle next to each other, and Renee found herself wishing for the Foxes bus instead of this cramped tin can.

 

"I still have another year. I think I'll go back to school afterwards." Yessica said as she situated herself in her seat.

 

"Oh? For what?" Renee said, leaning back as far as she could. The seats weren't uncomfortable, per say, but they weren't plush velvet.

 

"Teaching, probably." Yessica said. "It's mostly what I've been doing with the Peace Corps, and I like it so far. Maybe it's what I'm supposed to be doing, you know?"

 

"It'd suit you, I think." Renee said. Yessica flashed her another brilliant smile before the bus started up, and lurched forward. Yessica's smile turned into a grimace as she tried to get comfortable. "This is going to be a long trip."

 

"Yeah, I can feel it." Yessica said. "Literally," she pointed to herself. "Every little bump in the road is a new bruise." She said. Renee laughed, resting her head back on the seat.

 

"We'll be there sooner than you think." Renee said. Yessica hummed in reply, not quite a yes. Renee would take it. She closed her eyes, trying to get some rest on the bumpy ride. Then they went over a pothole, and Renee knew it was going to be near impossible. Oh well, she thought, it never hurt to try.

 

***

 

They arrived in the middle of the night, both of them exhausted and anxious to be free of the bus. Yessica and Renee checked in with other Peace Corps volunteers before heading to their cabin. It was in a little complex with other volunteers, a small cabin no bigger than a hut. Yessica claimed one bed while Renee got the other. It made no difference, they were practically cots and very narrow. Renee worried briefly about rolling out of it, but was too tired to actually care. After brushing her teeth, Renee went to bed. Yessica was already snoring while Renee tossed and turned. She was completely exhausted, so falling asleep wasn't very hard after all.

 

***

 

They were put to work the next morning in a classroom full of children. It was a wide variety of age ranges, and reminded Renee of the classic one room school of antiquity. Yessica and Renee were a great combination, as always, and she felt more confident with a native Spanish speaker in the room. When lessons ended for the day, Renee was actually confident that they'd gone reasonably well. Yessica went to meet and greet with the other volunteers, while Renee took a meal back to their cabin. Normally, Renee loved meeting new people, but all she really wanted to do was talk to a person who was thousands of miles away.

 

Renee sat down at the tiny table in their cabin, situating herself on a cushion. She ate her dinner slowly, wondering if it was too soon to write Allison. She just wanted things to back to normal with them, she wanted to know what she'd done wrong. Renee sighed, this trip was supposed to be a distraction from all that, not a chance to mope around in Peru. She looked over to her backpack, where there were supplies for letter writing. Renee sat still for a moment before making a decision.

 

She got up, her dinner finished, and took it back to the mess hall. Yessica waved her over to a group she was talking to, and Renee let herself be swept into the conversation. It was lively, it was nice, it was classic Yessica, and most importantly, it was a distraction.

 

***

 

The first letter came from Allison two weeks after Renee got to Peru. She waited until the day was over and took her meal alone again. Renee practically tore the letter open, eager to read its contents. She ate as she read Allison's letter twice, three times, looking for hints and trying to read between the lines. It was pretty generic, telling Renee about work and Oliver while asking questions about Peru. The letter ended with another warning about llamas, which made Renee smile. She folded the letter back up and put it in her backpack. She'd acquired various postcards for the former Foxes, and sat down to write messages to each of them. Once those were done, she settled in to write a letter to Allison.

 

What should she say? _I miss you, I wish you were here in this little village you'd hate because it's in the middle of nowhere, I wish things could be normal again, I wish you would love me back, I wish..._ Renee paused, pen poised above the paper. She wrote none of those thoughts, and described her work in Peru instead. She ended the letter with a reassurance about llamas, and signed it. Renee gathered the postcards and Allison's letter, addressing them properly before walking them over to the Peace Corps post office.

 

She dropped the letters off with a smile, waving at her new friends as she headed back to the cabin. Everyone was nice, but that didn't stop her from missing home (from missing a certain person, to be honest, but Renee didn't want to think about that). Renee was doing good work, and that was all that mattered.

 

***

 

To Renee's great surprise, the letters kept coming, so Renee kept replying. Gradually, the ice between them managed to thaw. Renee got some letters back from various Foxes, including Andrew (who would deny it to his dying day), and drafted responses for each of them. She had a routine, one she liked a lot. Yessica was a great friend, and the kids were eager to learn. It was a little different from her usual assignment, but she found herself enjoying it more and more as the days went on. There were two more weeks in this assignment, and she'd leave the warmth of Peruvian winters for harsh New York snow.

 

Still, she was glad for it. In two weeks she'd be home for good, and she was sure there would be plenty of people to help in the city. Sure, Renee would miss travelling and making new friends, but she had plenty of memories, postcards, and pictures to commemorate her experience. With that thought in mind, Renee rolled out of bed to face the day. She looked over to Yessica, who was still snoring. Sighing, Renee got into their usual wake up routine with only a hint of exasperation.

 

***

 

Renee was greeted at the airport not just by Allison, but Matt and Randy as well. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she ran out the gate to be hugged fiercely by Allison. Randy joined in on the hug, and Matt wasn't far behind. When they finally released her, Randy ruffled Renee's hair. Renee protested vaguely, swatting Randy's hand away halfheartedly.

 

"I was in town for a game, and I thought I'd come see you." Matt said. Allison only shrugged. Renee smiled wide, bringing Matt in for another hug. When they parted, Renee ignored Allison's eyes on her.

 

"I'm glad you came." Her eyes flicked over to Randy. "Both of you."

 

"We're happy to." Randy said. "Now, you must be exhausted, let's get you home." She said, turning and leading the way. The three of them followed to Allison's sleek Porsche and somehow managed to fit everyone. Matt and Randy chattered to Renee the whole way back, while Renee was happy to play along. Allison stayed quiet, lending a moment of snark every once in a while. Eventually, they reached Renee's apartment complex. Matt insisted on helping Renee with her luggage, and all of them ended up trudging up to Renee's apartment. The elevator was still broken, she noted with a tired acceptance. At this point, the elevator getting fixed would be an absolute miracle.

 

"Maybe I should buy this building so I can fix that damn elevator." Allison said as they went up the stairs to the fifth floor. "Five flights of stairs? Disgusting, appalling, blocked." She grumbled. Renee smiled, and Matt gave a laugh. Randy was still in high spirits when they reached Renee's apartment. Everyone helped her get situated, aside from Allison, who supervised. What Matt and Randy didn't know was that Allison took care of Renee's apartment for the past two months.

 

"Thanks for all the help guys." Renee said as they all stood in the entryway. Matt and Randy nodded, while Allison examined her nails. "If you don't mind, I'd like to get to bed. We'll talk later." She said, managing a small smile.

 

"Of course." Matt said. Once again, she was swept up in a group hug. Randy and Matt headed out first, waving before they headed back down the stairs. Renee looked at Allison, who was stubbornly avoiding her eyes.

 

"I missed you." Renee said quietly. Allison looked up at that, something hopeful on her face before she smothered it. "We definitely have to hang out soon."

 

"Right," Allison said, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'll let you know when I'm free."

 

"Okay," Renee said, a bit crestfallen that they weren't making plans then and there. Allison sighed, looking back down at the floor.

 

"Look, Renee, I..." She trailed off, posture stiff, her phone clenched in a white knuckled grip. Renee felt her heart leap, wondering what Allison could possibly say. Was a declaration of love off the table? Whoa, she thought, slow down there cowboy. "It doesn't matter." She said, shaking her head. Renee's hopes deflated like a popped balloon. Allison looked up suddenly, catching Renee's gaze. "I'll text you, okay?"

 

"Okay," Renee said, trying to muster a smile and probably failing. Allison nodded once before spinning on her heel and walking down the hall. She waved once before going down the stairs, and Renee went back into her apartment, locking the door behind her. She got ready for bed in a haze, mind still focused on what Allison wanted to tell her. Renee settled into bed, mind running circles around the possibilities. She shut her eyes with determination, and found it easier than expected to drift off.

 

***

 

Renee settled into a routine, feeling a bit lost without the promise of the Peace Corps and another assignment. She was sitting in her small kitchen with a cup of lemon tea, her phone sitting on the table beside the mug. She needed to find a job, that was certain. Renee took a sip of her tea, mind wandering. She'd like to get involved with a local church, get involved with volunteering. Volunteering, however, didn't provide a wage. Allison bankrolled most of what she did, and she was grateful, but Renee wanted independence.

 

She wanted a life, but didn't know where to start. She wanted Allison to text her, to fix whatever was festering between them. She even wanted to visit Matt and Randy, and if Allison was brooding, then perhaps that was where she should start. Renee picked up her phone, and dialed Matt.

 

"Hey Renee! What's up?" Matt greeted her enthusiastically as he picked up.

 

"Nothing much, just a bit bored, and I was wondering if we could get together while you're in town." Renee said.

 

"Definitely, we can have you over for dinner." Matt said. Someone was talking in the background, probably Randy. Matt pulled away from the speaker to talk to them for a minute before coming back to Renee. "That was mom, she said it'd be a delight to have you."

 

"Wonderful, thanks for having me." Renee said, smiling. "Did you get my postcard?"

 

"Yes, and Dan got hers. We loved them, by the way. It seemed like you had a lot of fun." He said. Renee paused at his words, thinking of the letters between her and Allison, and of how all she really wanted was a distraction.

 

"It was fun, and rewarding." She said. It was, it really was. Working with Yessica again was awesome, and Renee would miss her. They had each other on Facebook, and Yessica gave Renee her number before they parted ways.

 

"I'm glad, I'm sure the Peace Corps is gonna miss you."

 

"Thanks Matt." Renee said. Matt cleared his throat on the other side of the line. Then there was Randy talking to him again, and once more he pulled away to talk back. He came back with: "Sorry, mom again. She's making plans, I'll text you and let you know the details."

 

"Okay," Renee said, swirling her tea with the spoon. "I'll let you go, I'm sure you're busy gearing up for the game."

 

"Yeah," he said, sounding only the slightest bit guilty. "Our training schedule is pretty hectic. I'll talk to you later?"

 

"Of course." She said. Matt hung up first, and Renee put her phone back down on the table. She finished her tea, and got up to unpack and settle in. For good, this time.

 

***

 

Two days later, on a Friday night, Renee was taking a taxi from Bed-Stuy to Chelsea. Randy's high-rise apartment was a thing to see, and she was glad to come back. Renee leaned her head against the window, thinking back to the time the Foxes spent New Year's Eve in the city. All of them, for real that time (including Stephanie). Honestly, Renee thought, it was one of the best New Year's Eve parties she'd ever been to. Neil, clever and careful and cunning, had talked, really talked, to Renee that night. _Are we friends?_ He'd said, so uncertain, with his eyes flitting around the balcony. _I'd like us to be_. Renee said, offering a smile while wanting to hug him. It was too much; maybe a look was all they'd ever have.

 

Renee was jolted out of her thoughts by the taxi coming to a sudden stop.

 

"Well, this is it." The taxi driver said. Renee nodded, looking at the amount displayed on his screen. She counted out the requisite amount and handed it to him in cash. "Have a good night." He said as she opened the door.

 

"Thanks, you too." Renee said, getting out of the taxi and making her way into Randy's apartment building. It was classy, way too classy for a girl from a shitty city in North Dakota. Renee calmed her jittery nerves, putting on a mask of calm before heading into the elevator. She was everyone's rock, so she couldn't be weak. She got out of the elevator on the sixth floor, heading to Randy's door. She knocked once, and the door opened almost immediately.

 

"Good to see you again!" Randy said as she gathered Renee into a hug. When she released Renee, Matt was there. Renee embraced him, smiling all the way.

 

"Geez Renee, I've missed you." Matt said when they parted.

 

"I missed you too." Renee said. Before she had a chance to say anything else, Randy had a hand between her shoulder blades, leading her through the apartment.

 

"You've been here before, of course, but just as a reminder: bathroom is the last room down the hall on the right. Also, you're welcome to anything, so make yourself at home." Randy said. Renee nodded in agreement, walking side by side with Matt and Randy. They reached the dining room, and Renee took a seat at the long table on Randy's left. Randy sat at the head of the table, with Matt on her right. "Been so long since I've had guests." She said, beaming at Renee and Matt.

 

"I'm happy to be had." Renee said, looking over the massive amount of food on the table. It couldn't possibly be for just the three of them, could it? There was a whole roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, green beans, wine, and more. Renee took the proffered wine glass, and sipped the dry white wine within. She usually didn't drink, but one glass of wine wouldn't hurt her. "Did you cook all this?"

 

"I had help." Randy said, looking pointedly at Matt, who shrugged. "Now, let's dig in." She said, already spooning some green beans onto her plate. Renee thought a brief prayer in her head before filling her plate. "So, tell us about your adventures."

 

"Adventures?" Renee raised a brow. "You make it sound as if I've disappeared mysteriously, only to reappear years later with a tragic story." She said, smiling when Matt and Randy laughed. "I know what you mean. Where to begin?" She said. Renee thought to herself as she took a bite of the delicious chicken. "I spent the last two years mostly in South America with some breaks in between. Before then, I mostly worked in Haiti."

 

"Which country was your favorite?" Matt asked. Renee pursed her lips, trying to sift through all the places she'd been to.

 

"Colombia, probably. Haiti is a close second, if not tied with Colombia." She said, smiling fondly at the memory of meeting Yessica in Colombia. Given their disastrous first meeting (wherein Yessica tripped into Renee, and they both fell into a muddy puddle), the fact that they were good friends really was something. Thinking about Yessica made her think about that night with Allison, however, so she quickly shut that thought process down.

 

"What about Peru? Where does that rank?" Randy asked.

 

"It's high up there, but it was also very challenging. I've mostly worked with youth to foster their creativity, confidence, leadership, and more. In Peru I taught children in a classroom. I'd never really done that before. I was intimidated, but it worked out in the end." Renee said, taking a sip of wine immediately after she finished talking. Matt was nodding thoughtfully while Randy got another piece of chicken. "Anyways, enough about me. Matt, how are Dan and the kids?"

 

"Dan is great, she's a wonderful wife and mother." Dan said, beaming at the thought of his family. Something in Renee's chest ached, thinking of what she could never have. "Our daughter, Marina, is a troublemaker."

 

"Takes after her mother." Renee said. Both Matt and Randy laughed at that. "It's not a bad thing."

 

"It is when she's already telling other kids at school to stop being sexist pigs." Matt said. Renee chuckled, motioning for Matt to go on. "Dan's taught her well, but I never relish calls from the principal. She's only five, and already such a good kid."

 

"What about Lionel?" Renee asked.

 

"He's so young, but definitely meeting all his milestones. At least we're past the terrible twos."

 

"I warned you." Randy said as she poured herself another glass of wine. "Everyone's difficult at that age, you were too." She said. Matt put a hand over his heart as if wounded, and Randy only rolled her eyes. "Still, I'm proud of the man you've become."

 

"Thanks, mom." He said. Renee shifted in her chair, almost feeling as if she was intruding. Then again, the Boyd family was never known for being subtle with their affections. "Anyways, my family is great. I'm excited for the upcoming game."

 

"Good, I'm sure you'll win." Renee said. Matt shook his head slightly, lips pursed.

 

"I know we're a good team, and talented, but our opponents are too. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to the matchup."

 

"In any case, good luck." Renee said. Matt thanked her, and the evening passed in a flurry of conversation between the three of them. Renee ate more than she should have, and Randy insisted on sending her home with leftovers. Renee graciously accepted them, and wasn't surprised when Matt went with her to wait for a taxi. They said their goodbyes, hugged, and with that Renee was on her way back to Bed-Stuy.

 

***

 

Randy's leftovers lasted another few days, and before she knew it, Renee had been home in New York for a week. There was still no word from Allison, which Renee tried not to take personally. Sure, Renee knew Allison was busy with work, and she had a life outside Renee. Still, her radio silence hurt more than Renee let on. She established a routine: get up, go for a jog around the neighborhood, make breakfast, entertain herself for a while, eat leftovers, read something (news, books, whatever), and then eat more leftovers for dinner. On Sunday she went to a nondenominational church, and planned to get involved with the ministry.

 

She was job searching, but unsure of exactly what she wanted to do. She was college educated, and she could become a minister if she wanted to. Renee scrolled through job listings on her laptop, not wanting to settle for being a cashier. Maybe someone at church would know something. Sighing, Renee closed her laptop. She looked at her phone, frowning when there was nothing from Allison. It shouldn't surprise her, yet it still hurt. All of a sudden, Renee's phone was buzzing in her hand. It was Allison. She considered declining, just to give Allison a taste of her own medicine. Then again, there was the chance that if she missed this call, Allison might not reach out again. She answered.

 

"Hello," Renee said, heart thumping a nervous rhythm in her chest.

 

"Hey," Allison said quietly. There was a beat of silence. "Sorry, I swear I haven't been ignoring you on purpose." She said. Renee rolled her eyes, but said nothing. "Oliver has been unusually sweet and..." She trailed off, and Renee stayed silent. "Anyways, he's been dominating my time when I'm off work. I still want to hang out."

 

"Do you?" Renee asked softly. She heard Allison's sharp intake of breath at the accusation, fully expecting some venom in response. "I couldn't tell."

 

"Renee," Allison said before sighing. "Couples spend time together, don't tell me you don't understand that simple fact."

 

"Of course I do, but I'm your best friend and you've completely ignored me." Renee said, trying not to raise her voice. She didn't want to fight with Allison, not really, but she was tired of this sickness between them.

 

"Sue me. I've been pretty busy, and my world doesn't revolve around you." Allison said, tone cold and businesslike. Renee rolled her eyes again, biting her lip to keep herself from saying something stupid.

 

"Well, princess," she said, somehow smug at using Allison's hated nickname. "Sorry for bothering you." Renee said, and then hung up. She put her phone on the coffee table and stood, shocked at what she'd just done. Renee was known for being a sweetheart, not catty; what she'd just done was the definition of petty. Her phone started buzzing again, and this time Renee ignored it, tears blurring her vision. She didn't want to fight, and she didn't want to answer only to be yelled at. She left the room and threw herself onto her bed, curling up in her quilt.

 

It was only midday, but all Renee wanted to do was take a nap. So, without setting an alarm, she did.

 

***

 

Renee did, in fact, get some good information from the congregation about jobs. Apparently one of the nonprofits in town, a food pantry, was looking for an assistant manager. Ruth, the person who told her about it, gave Renee the manager's number. Renee thanked her before socializing with other members of the church. She loved the simple building they congregated in, loved the minister who always made her feel safe and inspired, but most of all she loved meeting all the diverse churchgoers.

 

It was her second week in town, and Renee and Allison hadn't spoken since that call. Renee knew this was a bad thing, knew she should reach out and apologize, but she was tired of always being the compromising one. For once, she wanted someone else to be the peacemaker. So she let Allison stew in whatever funk she was in, and tried to go on as normal. She Skyped Yessica as often as she could, and was delighted to hear about her work. Currently, Yessica was in Ecuador doing more teaching.

 

Renee kept in touch with a few of the volunteers she met, but none of them were like Yessica. Yessica was loud and boisterous, always getting Renee out of her comfort zone; still, Renee never regretted it. She was nice, she had a good heart, and Renee thought she could (maybe) fall in love with her. She wasn't Allison, their differences obvious. Still, Yessica was probably straight, and Renee wasn't interested in having two unrequited crushes at once. If friendship was all she could ever have with both women, it would have to be enough. Then again, her friendship with Allison was in jeopardy, and she didn't know how to fix it.

 

She left church feeling a sense of peace, and opted to take a walk through the city. Renee could call the number Ruth gave her when she got home, but she wanted to do some exploring first. She'd technically lived in New York for five years, but she didn't truly know the city. It was time to fix that.

 

***

 

Allison called her late at night three days later; luckily Renee was still awake watching a movie. She put it on pause before answering.

 

"Hey," Allison said. "Listen, before you hang up, I know I was a bitch."

 

"You were." Renee said, surprised at how easy it was to say. Allison paused for a moment, possibly shocked by Renee's bluntness.

 

"I'm sorry." She said, her voice low, as if she didn't want anyone to hear her apologize. "Not just for that. You're right, I've been ignoring you. I don't know if I can explain it, not now, but I miss you." Allison said. Renee sat in silence, thoughts swirling around her mind. She thought of that night before she left for Peru, how their fun was shattered by something still unknown to Renee. How they wrote to each other in Peru, and it was easier until Renee got back. "Well, say something." Allison demanded.

 

"I miss you too, but I want an explanation." Renee said. Allison was quiet on her end of the line. "Don't just shut me out again, I've hated this. I know you hate it too."

 

"I really have, you're my best friend." Allison said. Renee was glad to hear it, but her heart still hurt. Best friends. Friends for life. Gal pals. That was all. "It's late, so let's make plans to hang out, and I'll explain then."

 

"Sure." Renee said. Allison paused, so Renee took the initiative with: "There's a coffee shop near my apartment. They make great tea."

 

"Yeah," Allison said. "That sounds great."

 

"Yeah? I'll text you the address. When can we meet up?"

 

"I'm off on Sunday, what about noon? We could get some food and coffee, and just talk." Allison offered. It was Friday, so they would meet up two days from now. A small, selfish part of Renee wished they could do it tomorrow.

 

"Sounds good." Renee said. Then there was silence. With plans made, what more was there to say? "I'll talk to you on Sunday." She said. They said their goodbyes to each other, and hung up. Renee quickly texted Allison the coffee shop's address, and received a thumbs up emoji in reply. She'd take it. Renee relaxed on the couch, feeling hopeful. Of course, if they met up at noon Renee would have to go to the early service, but it would be worth it. She hoped.

 

***

 

Renee was nervous. She'd changed her outfit three times before heading to church. After the service she'd go straight to the coffee shop, so it should be timed about right. If she was a little late, Renee figured it didn't matter overly much. She fidgeted all throughout the sermon, even though she tried to focus. Almost three weeks since she'd seen Allison, over two months since that night in her apartment. She hoped Allison had a really good explanation. She left the church faster than normal, only greeting some people she knew. Oh well, she thought, she'd make up for it next week.

 

Renee walked to the coffee shop, heart pounding. Logically, she it was silly to get so worked up about hanging out with her best friend. Emotionally, she was confused and hurt, and she just wanted to see Allison without arguing with her. She arrived at the coffee shop quicker than expected, relieved to see she was only a few minutes late. Allison was already there, dressed immaculately as usual, and sitting in a booth in an isolated corner. She looked up when the bell rang as Renee stepped in, and their eyes met across the room.

 

She knew she should be used to how beautiful Allison always was by now, but Renee still managed to be stunned. She snapped out of it when a barista greeted her, and offered him a small smile. Allison got out of the booth, and they crossed the room to meet each other in the middle.

 

"I already ordered for us." Allison said.

 

"Us?" Renee said, raising a brow. Allison looked back with an unflinching stare, flicking a lock of hair behind her shoulder.

 

"Mocha latte and a salad for me; lemon tea with minestrone in a bread bowl for you." She said smugly. Renee blinked, a little shocked. Such small details that were insignificant, yet Allison remembered. Then again, she remembered Yessica too, and that went to shit quickly enough.

 

"Impressive." Renee said finally. Allison smirked, beckoning for Renee to follow her. They made their way back to the booth just as their drinks came, and Renee thanked the barista for both of them. They sat across from each other, sipping their respective drinks. "It's delicious, right?"

 

"Decent," Allison conceded. Renee held back a laugh and just drank more tea. "So," she began, looking almost shyly at Renee. "You want an explanation." She said. Renee nodded, waiting for Allison to speak. Allison took in a deep breath before she started to explain. "The truth is hard to explain. I don't think I can word it right."

 

"Try," Renee said, holding Allison's gaze. They sat like that for a moment, Allison's whole posture stiff and awkward, as if they were strangers, as if this was an interrogation.

 

"I was jealous." Allison said suddenly. Renee froze, wondering if it could possibly mean what she was hoping. "I know you really like Yessica, and she's such a better person than me, honestly. I was afraid you would come back and..." She trailed off, eyes fixed on the table. Renee's heart was threatening to beat out of her chest. "You wouldn't want to be my best friend anymore." She said. Oh. Renee deflated, but tried not to let the disappointment show on her face.

 

"Allison," Renee said, laying a hand on top of Allison's on the table. "You're right. I like Yessica, she's a good friend. But we were Foxes." She said. Allison's head snapped up and their eyes met in a steady gaze. "We've been through things Yessica couldn't even begin to understand. You're my best friend, I never intended to ditch you." Renee said. Allison turned her hand over so she could squeeze Renee's. Her hands were soft, and she smelled like a meadow of flowers. They sat in silence, hands linked, staring at each other.

 

"I'm such an asshole." Allison said finally. Renee just shrugged. At that moment, an employee came with their food. Allison picked at her salad, but Renee dug in. Free food was awesome, and the coffee shop had perfected their minestrone. "Seriously, I feel like such a bad friend. I'm sorry."

 

"Apology accepted," Renee said, flashing Allison a small smile. "Just talk to me next time, okay?"

 

"I'll try, no promises." She said. Renee pursed her lips, resisting the temptation to roll her eyes. Oh well, she'd take what she could get. She was still disappointed, but what did she really expect? Allison was dating Oliver, who was a jerk (Allison's taste in men was, frankly, awful). "So," Allison said, faking a smile, "tell me about Peru." So Renee did.

 

***

 

Allison came over to Renee's apartment the next night with Chinese food. She wasn't fighting with Oliver, to Renee's great surprise. As they got out their food and settled onto the couch, Renee sent her a searching look. Allison rolled her eyes and handed Renee a fork.

 

"We haven't hung out in weeks." She said, as if it was totally obvious. Renee just shrugged, accepting the fork. Allison picked the movie, as usual, and Renee had to admit it wasn't too cheesy. It was a rom-com (typical Allison) and Renee hated every minute of it. This was what she wanted. A typical, normal romance with a boy and a girl; Allison wanted a life with a white picket fence and two kids. Renee already knew this, so why did it always hurt so much? They mostly watched the movie in silence, with the occasional jeering from Allison (mostly directed at the main characters).

 

When the movie ended, Renee put away their leftovers while Allison converted the futon into a bed. By the time Renee was done, Allison was sitting on the futon looking at her phone. Renee sat across from her on the other side of the futon. Allison was texting away, her fingers moving a mile a minute. Whoever it was, they were probably getting chewed out. Finally, Allison put down her phone and looked up.

 

"That was Oliver." She said, rolling her eyes. Renee quirked a brow in a silent question. "He's mad that we're hanging out again."

 

"Seriously?" Renee asked. Allison nodded, lips set in a thin line.

 

"He thinks you're taking our time together away. Which is such bullshit, we're not fused together at the hip. If Oliver thinks my time belongs to him, he's got another thing coming." Allison ranted, only pausing to breathe once she was done. Her hands were clenched in tight fists on top of her knees.

 

"Maybe he's just having a bad day." Renee said. Allison glared at her briefly before rubbing her temples.

 

"He's always moody, no matter what I do." Allison said. Renee put her hand over Allison's other hand. "Sometimes he just lays in bed all day, and I'm not enough to get him out of it. Sometimes..." She stared down at the sheets. Renee squeezed Allison's hand. "Sometimes I think I'll never be enough."

 

"No," Renee murmured, voice barely audible. "Look at me." She said, but Allison kept looking down at the sheets. Gently, Renee lifted Allison's chin with her hand, her fingers barely resting on Allison's skin. "You are so talented, and so determined, and so creative. You are enough; you will always be enough." _You deserve so much better than him,_ was what Renee didn't say. Suddenly, she was all too aware that they were close, that Renee's hand was still on Allison's chin. It would be easy, too easy, to close that distance. Allison squeezed Renee's hand, and Renee knew she had to pull away.

 

Renee leaned back, dropping her hand from Allison's chin. They were best friends, and Allison wasn't like that, Renee thought. She tried to pull her hand away from Allison's, but Allison held tight.

 

"Thanks," Allison whispered. Renee nodded, not trusting her own voice. She'd say too much, tell Allison how she really felt. Renee couldn't have that, could never have that. "I'm tired."

 

"See you in the morning?"

 

"Of course."

 

***

 

Renee actually saw Allison in the morning. Renee made scrambled eggs with bacon while Allison put on a pot of coffee. When it was done, they sat across from each other at Renee's small kitchen table.

 

"Did I tell you I got a job?" Renee asked. Allison looked up, a wide grin on her face. Then Allison was kicking her under the table, and Renee, obviously, had to defend herself.

 

"When? Where?" Allison asked after getting in a particularly good jab on Renee's shin.

 

"Yesterday, actually. I got the call in the evening, and I'm going in for training tomorrow. It's at a food pantry." She said. Allison stopped kicking her, to Renee's great relief.

 

"Of course it is." Allison said with a roll of her eyes. Renee kicked her a little bit, just to be petty. Allison looked at her as though she'd been mortally wounded. "Guess you'll be a literal saint wherever you go. Figures," Allison said before taking a long drink of coffee.

 

"I'm not a saint, just trying to do some good." Renee said, remembering what she'd said to Neil all those years ago. _I am a bad person trying very hard to be a good person._ It was still true.

 

"Disgusting," Allison said, winking at Renee. "Why can't you just be trash like the rest of us?"

 

"Someone's gotta set a good example around here." Renee said. Allison tipped her head back and laughed at that, and not that fake laugh she did at fancy parties. The sound made Renee's heart flutter, and she couldn't help but start laughing herself. When they collected themselves, Allison helped with dishes and then had to leave soon after. When Allison left, Renee felt settled. Not weird, or confused, or sad. It was a nice change, she decided.

 

***

 

One month passed in a flurry of activity. From Renee's new job as assistant manager, to exploring the city, hanging out with Allison, Skyping her friends, going to church, and all the other mundane things Renee did, she was often busy. Thankfully, she was off today and had set aside the whole day to doing almost nothing. It was relaxing to just lie in bed, take a long bath, to do whatever she felt like.

 

That evening, however, Allison barged into her apartment again. This time she was without pizza. Renee came out of the kitchen where she'd been making spaghetti while Allison stumbled into her apartment. Allison was normally perfect, her hair curled and makeup done flawlessly. Usually, her clothes were all designer and never wrinkled. The Allison who stumbled through her door was the antithesis of all that. Her makeup was running, heavy black eyeliner making its way down her cheeks. She had a bottle in hand, and if Renee had to guess, that was the reason for Allison's wobbly legs.

 

"What's going on?" Renee asked, immediately moving to Allison. Allison was trying to take her heels off, and cursing softly. Renee went back to the kitchen briefly to turn off the stove before returning. Allison somehow managed to get her heels off and was taking a long swig of vodka. "Allison, talk to me."

 

"Oliver doesn't deserve me!" She exclaimed, practically yelling. Renee pulled her into the living room, trying to steady Allison. "That douche fucking cheated on me. Can you believe that? Me." She took a breath only to take another drink. Renee sat her down on the futon. "I actually feel a little bad for him. Can you imagine losing me? He's gonna want me back one day and I'm gonna laugh in his fucking face." Allison said, eyes filling up with tears again. Renee rubbed her back in what she hoped was a reassuring manner.

 

"He's an asshole, you deserve better." Renee said quietly. Allison nodded vigorously, practically collapsing back against the futon. Renee quickly extricated her hand before it got crushed. "Will you be okay? I can finish up the spaghetti if you want some."

 

"I love spaghetti." Allison said. Renee took that as a yes and went back to the kitchen. She turned to burners back on and stirred the sauce. She hoped the noodles would be okay. It only took about ten more minutes, but Renee could hear Allison crying on the futon. Renee finished the meal as quickly as she could, bringing back two plates of spaghetti back to the living room. She dashed back to the kitchen for cheese, bringing out a shaker for Parmesan. "You're the best." Allison said before digging in.

 

Renee wasn't particularly surprised that Oliver and Allison didn't work out. Allison had terrible taste in men, which hadn't changed since college. Since Seth, if Renee was being honest with herself. That thought stilled Renee's mind; how long had it been since she last thought of Seth? They didn't get along, despite Renee's attempts, but Seth didn't really get along with anyone. Allison was the exception, and even that wasn't true half the time. She wondered briefly what Allison did with Seth's ashes.

 

"This is really good." Allison said. Renee smiled, not giving voice to her thoughts. They ate in silence, and Allison occasionally sniffled.

 

"He's not worth your tears." Renee said as they stood in the kitchen, Renee washing the dishes while Allison drank the water Renee forced upon her. Allison wiped her eyes with a napkin, grimacing.

 

"I know." Allison said. She looked down into her cup. "He's not worth anything." She said. Renee hummed in reply. She put Allison to bed afterwards, making her promise to try and drink more water before she fell asleep. Allison sleepily complied, so Renee went to sleep as well. After brushing her teeth, Renee practically threw herself onto the bed. She clutched a pillow, wanting to scream. Another breakup, another stupid boy, and there was nothing she could do to change Allison's pattern. She'd wasted six months on Oliver. Six months she could've spent with Renee.

 

She turned over, pillow clutched to her chest. Renee was tired. Not just because it was late, but because of Allison. Renee had been crushing on Allison since their sophomore year of college, but Allison only had eyes for Seth. She only had eyes for boys, as far as Renee could tell. It was hopeless, but she wanted Allison more than anything. She wanted a life with her, a flat together in the city. She wanted to kiss her. She wanted...

 

Wanting, Renee thought, was foolish. It didn't stop her, in the end. That, Renee thought, was even more foolish.

 

***

 

For the first time in months, Renee called Andrew. She missed him, and she was proud of him for making Court. Predictably, he'd turned the offer down the first time, only accepting when Neil made the cut too. She shook her head, remembering their courthouse wedding. She'd gotten two days notice, the whole team had. Apparently, Andrew was done being shut out of hospital rooms because he wasn't considered family. Renee couldn't blame him. All of a sudden, Andrew picked up.

 

"Renee, what a delight." Andrew said, voice completely monotone.

 

"I'm glad you picked up. I've been missing you."

 

"Inadvisable," Andrew said. Renee shook her head, a small smile on her face.

 

"How are you? How's Neil? What about the cats? Tell me everything."

 

"We're fine." Andrew said. Renee waited for him to elaborate, but wasn't surprised when he didn't.

 

"Now you're starting to sound like Neil." She teased him. He sighed long on the other side of the line, and Renee chuckled.

 

"Lies and slander. I don't have a broken nose and am still trying to play through second half." Andrew said, alluding to an incident from last month. Renee kept tabs on everyone, and the Josten-Minyards were the easiest to keep up with, aside from Kevin.

 

"That sounds like Neil." Renee said. Then there was silence between them, but it was easy. She didn't feel like she had to always keep talking with Andrew. If she did, she'd probably annoy him to death (probably hers). "I trust the cats aren't being too irritating?"

 

"Cats, by their very nature, are irritating." Andrew said. Renee had to concede his point, at least a little bit. "Neil likes them, but he's often idiotic." Renee doubted that Andrew didn't like them as well. It was another fact he'd deny, so Renee didn't say anything.

 

"I got a job at a local food pantry."

 

"Still trying to save the world?"

 

"Maybe a little." Renee said. _I am a bad person trying very hard to be a good person._ She thought of Andrew, of how fiercely he protected those he loved. How he took care of Neil, how they took care of each other. Maybe, she thought, Andrew was still trying to save a little piece of the world too. "You know me."

 

"Like an open book." Andrew said, to Renee's great surprise. _I want nothing and no one._ He'd said to her one afternoon after they finished sparring. The team was scandalized by their sudden relationship, so Andrew told her in no uncertain terms that romance was off the table. Renee wasn't disappointed by this reveal, honestly. Once, he would've denied caring about her at all.

 

"This was a good talk." Renee said quietly. Andrew said nothing on the other side of the line. "You're probably busy, so I'll let you go."

 

"Okay," he said before hanging up. Renee held her phone, smiling down at it. Nobody really understood their relationship, but it was one Renee treasured. She put her phone back in her pocket, and grabbed her list for the grocery store before leaving.

 

***

 

That Friday night, Allison was at Renee's place getting ready for a date. Renee, frankly, didn't know why Allison needed her help. Allison always knew what to wear, how to do her hair, how to do her makeup. She didn't need Renee, and Renee didn't want to help. Maybe it was selfish, but Renee hated having to hear about Allison's latest crush (who was usually a douche). Tonight's date was a guy named Adam, who was a personal trainer.

 

Allison showed her a picture of a blonde, muscled man with an obnoxious smirk. Yep, Renee thought, Adam was the definition of Allison's type. Time would tell what his particular issue was, but Renee was certain there had to be one.

 

"Which one?" Allison asked, holding up a black dress in one hand and a red one in the other. Both were scandalously short. Renee considered them for a moment before pointing to the black one. Allison put the red dress back on the bed and changed into the short black dress. She examined herself in the mirror, doing a little spin. "Perfect."

 

"You're gonna blow his mind." Renee offered, trying not to be a jealous disaster for one whole minute. Allison beamed at her before running off to the bathroom to do her makeup. Once she was done, Renee helped her pick out jewelry and shoes. Allison checked her phone, satisfied that she'd be late to make an entrance. When it was time to leave, she hugged Renee tight and promised details later. Renee acted like she was enthusiastic; she had a lot of practice by this point. When Allison finally left, Renee put on loud music and took a long bath. She deserved it, in her opinion.

 

***

 

On Saturday, Allison came over unannounced. Renee had just cleaned up after her morning jog, surprised to see Allison at her place so early. She was rumpled, her makeup from last night smudged. Oh, Renee thought with a sinking heart, she probably spent the night with Adam.

 

"How'd it go?" Renee asked as Allison walked past her into Renee's room. Renee followed, watching as Allison flopped facedown onto the bed. She leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over her chest. "Did it go well?" Allison lifted her head, looking behind her to scowl at Renee.

 

"He recognized me as one of the former Foxes, and he was a total dick about it." She said, rolling over so she was lying on her back. Allison patted the spot next to her, so Renee settled in on her bed. "He asked about the monster and Neil, and how I could stand to know they were fags." She said. Renee raised a single brow, biting down all the vitriol she suddenly felt for Adam.

 

"What did you do?" Renee asked, keeping her voice carefully level. She looked at Allison, who looked back with a smirk.

 

"I stood up and threw my full glass of merlot on him. Then I told him not to call me, and stormed out." She said. Renee smiled, only wishing that Allison had gotten a good hit in.

 

"Good," she said. Allison stopped smiling suddenly, looking back up at the ceiling. "Why do I have such bad taste in men?" Ah, Renee thought, the million-dollar question.

 

"Maybe you're just unlucky." Or maybe you still haven't let Seth go, and you're trying to fill his absence with another guy full of issues for you to fix. She didn't say that, Renee didn't want to fight with Allison.

 

"You don't really think that." Allison said in a small voice, staring hard at Renee.

 

"Do you really want to start this with me?" Renee said, staring back at Allison. Allison got up and started pacing around the room. Renee sat up, eyes following Allison's movement around the room.

 

"I want you tell me, honestly, what you think." Allison said, pausing in her pacing to meet Renee's eye. Renee took a deep breath, deciding what to say. She didn't want to say what she really thought, but Allison would know she was lying. Renee didn't consider herself a cruel person, not anymore, but she could be.

 

"What have you done with Seth's urn?" Renee asked finally. Allison's eyes widened at the question, lips pursed.

 

"How does that relate to this?"

 

"Have you done anything with it? Is it sitting in a box somewhere collecting dust?" Renee asked, desperate to make Allison finally talk about it. She got on the court a week after Seth's death, but they never really talked about it. The urn was an elephant in the room, but Renee didn't want to hurt Allison more. It had been almost six years since then.

 

"It's in my bedroom, in the bottom drawer of my nightstand." Allison said finally, arms crossed over her chest.

 

"Are you ashamed of it?"

 

"No, I just got tired of explaining my dead boyfriend to every new guy." Allison said, eyes narrowed. Renee paused, considering how to maneuver through the minefield she'd opened up.

 

"You told me you wanted to spread his ashes somewhere pretty, somewhere he'd like." She said. Allison only sighed, motioning for Renee to go on. "Why haven't you let him go yet?"

 

"I'm over him, I date other guys all the time." Allison snapped. "I'm not just imagining I'm dating Seth every time I get a new boyfriend."

 

"Every guy you date is moody, has issues, and generally lashes out. Sound familiar?" Renee said. Allison gasped, then collected herself enough to glare at Renee. Renee shifted on the bed uncomfortably, wrapping her arms around herself.

 

"How dare you." Allison said, her voice low and dangerous. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Seth is dead, and his own mother didn't want his ashes. I'm all he has left."

 

"You couldn't fix him." Renee said, only mildly surprised at her viciousness. It wasn't who she was, who she wanted to be, but she couldn't stop. "You can't fix any of these jerks you date, and you shouldn't waste your time on them."

 

"Why do you care so much?" Allison asked, still glaring daggers at Renee. "It's my life, my bad decisions. Maybe I'll continue to date idiot boys, maybe I'll finally be enough for someone. It's not any of your fucking business."

 

"You made it my business when you told me everything about Oliver, when you came over before every date for my opinions. You're always complaining about your dumb boyfriends. It's not my business? Sure." Renee ranted, digging her nails into her palms. Suddenly, she wished she could punch something.

 

"Fuck you!" Allison shouted suddenly. Renee reeled back as if she'd been struck. Allison smiled viciously, an expression Renee remembered seeing on Neil's face (she remembered it on her own face too, in another life). Renee stood up suddenly, wanting to leave the room. She wanted to run from her apartment and hide. Suddenly, Allison had Renee's wrist in a tight grip. Renee whirled on Allison, scowling at her. Before she could open her mouth to speak, Allison said: "I never asked you to care. Why do you care about me?"

 

"You're my best friend." Renee said. Something dark flashed across Allison's face, and she tightened her grip. Renee winced when Allison's long nails dug into her skin.

 

"Don't give me that bullshit, not today." Allison snarled. Renee's eyes widened, she shot Allison a questioning look. "You're so good, but you're always fucking lying to me!" Allison said, volume rising with every word. "Why do you care?" She asked again. Renee's mind was racing, and Allison was right. She couldn't take it anymore, and momentarily didn't care about the consequences.

 

"Because I love you!" Renee shouted, and Allison's grip went slack. Renee pulled away from Allison, stepping back. Allison was staring at her, not angrily, but thoughtfully. "I've loved you since college, but I always assumed you were straight. I was never gonna tell you, because being your best friend was enough. It was all I'd ever have. I guess you had to ruin that too." Renee said, tears blurring her vision. Allison reached out to her again, but Renee slapped her hand away. "Don't."

 

"Renee—" Allison started, but was cut off when Renee slammed the door behind her as she left her bedroom. Renee grabbed her keys, and slipped into a pair of flip-flops as she left the apartment. She ran down the hall and down the stairs, keenly aware that she'd already exercised earlier. When she finally got out of the apartment building, Renee was sweating and out of breath. It didn't matter, all that mattered was getting as far away as possible. She walked briskly down the sidewalk, blindly making her way through Bed-Stuy.

 

It was stupid, so damn stupid. Why did she tell Allison? Why was she such a shitty friend? She should've lied, should've told Allison literally anything else. Instead, she confessed to her straight best friend, and probably lost her forever in the process. Renee came across a park, and cut across the green to an empty bench. She sat down hard on the bench. Why was she such a spectacular failure? First she'd become a killer, and when Stephanie saved her Renee thought she was home free. What she'd said to Allison, the cruelty she'd subjected her to, that wasn't Renee Walker. That was reminiscent of Natalie, a girl Renee never wanted to be again.

 

She couldn't go back, couldn't be that hard and terrible ever again. Renee touched her silver cross necklace, wiping away the tears in her eyes. She wasn't going to cry on a park bench in the middle of the city, it wasn't her style. Renee didn't know how long to stay away from her apartment, but wouldn't risk it too soon. With that thought in mind, Renee got up to take her usual walk through the neighborhood. If she was more disheveled than normal, she figured nobody would ask.

 

***

 

Renee was ignoring Allison. It'd been three days since their fight, but Allison insisted on trying to call Renee every day. They were all declined or left to ring until Allison got Renee's voicemail. She felt like a dick, but maybe it was time Allison had a taste of her own medicine. She never listened to any of the voicemails, opting to delete them instead. In time, Allison would give up and move on to some other friends more in her league. Some other rich kids who would know about designer brands, someone who wouldn't fall in love with her. Someone who could be what Renee couldn't.

 

It hurt; Renee didn't deny that. She called Stephanie earlier in the week just to cry, but the person she really wanted to talk to was the only person in the world she was actively ignoring. She was sitting on her bed, trying to read a book. It was an old copy of _Jane Eyre_ , one of her favorites. She'd discovered it in college, actually, and was immediately obsessed with it. Renee was finding quickly that she couldn't concentrate, but at least it was a good distraction. Then there was a knock on her door, and Renee put her book down. Maybe it was a package? Then again, she couldn't remember doing any online shopping lately.

 

She swung the door open, freezing in place when she saw Allison standing on the other side of the door. Allison opened her mouth, and Renee immediately shut the door. Sure, she wanted to be friends with Allison again, but she was still pissed off. That was when Allison started pounding on her door.

 

"Will you just fucking talk to me? I fucked up, I'm a bitch, I know!" She yelled on the other side of the door. Renee's hand was still on the doorknob, and her heart was pounding. She could open the door; she could let Allison in to explain herself. "Please, please just talk to me." Allison said with a wobbly voice. Renee's hand was shaking on the doorknob. She locked it, and went back to her room. Renee wasn't ready, she couldn't even look at Allison without breaking down. Renee buried her face in the pillows, sobbing. She was being selfish, but she wasn't ready to be a good person today. So Renee waited until Allison left, and watched a sad movie so she could cry more. It wasn't enough, but at least it was a distraction.

 

***

 

Renee fell into an odd rhythm without Allison around. Allison stopped calling her yesterday, and Renee was still trying to decide if that was a good thing or not. She had no one to watch cheesy movies with, or go shopping, or go to some fancy party that made Renee feel out of place. Still, any time with Allison was something she used to want. She still did. Despite everything, she wanted Allison. Even if they could only ever be friends, Renee would be satisfied. So Renee went to work, she Skyped most of her friends, and went to church. It was quieter without Allison around commenting on her closet, talking loudly on the phone, blasting the latest hits from Renee's laptop.

 

She missed it. Maybe she always would.

 

***

 

A week later found Renee at Allison's condo building. Allison's condo was in Manhattan, and incredibly fancy. She was afraid security would stop her, that Allison had asked them to not let her through. She got into the elevator with no problems, however, and her palms were sweating as she rode up to the eighth floor. Renee had to force herself out of the elevator, and walked down the hall hesitantly. The carpet she was walking on was probably more expensive than her entire apartment.

 

When she was on Allison's doorstep, Renee hesitated. They were ignoring each other, maybe that was how it should turn out. Still, Renee couldn't bear leaving things so messed up between them. Renee knocked three times in rapid succession and waited. A few moments later, the door opened to reveal Allison in her pajamas.

 

"If you slam the door in my face I'll understand." Renee said quietly.

 

"I'm considering it." Allison said, voice icy. She crossed her arms over her chest, which meant they were off the door. Renee took it as a good sign. "What do you want?"

 

"I just want to talk. If you hear me out and still hate me, I'll leave. You'll never hear from me again. I just want to fix this." Renee said in a rush, afraid Allison would make good on slamming the door before she finished. It didn't happen, and they stood in silence staring at each other. Finally, Allison moved aside so Renee could enter her condo. Renee breathed a sigh of relief before making her way into the condo. Allison shut the door and locked it behind them.

 

"Sit, I need a drink." Allison said, gesturing to the living room. Renee obeyed, and sat stiffly on a plush white leather couch. Allison joined her a few minutes later with a drink in hand, sitting on the couch opposite to Renee. "You're here, so talk."

 

"I'm sorry for shutting you out. I was hurting, and I didn't want to see you. I didn't have to be so cold, though." Renee started. Allison took a sip, and motioned for Renee to continue. "I'm sorry if me being bisexual makes you uncomfortable, but it's who I am. It's who I've always been."

 

"Don't apologize for that." Allison said. Renee waited for her to elaborate, but when she didn't Renee realized she was still waiting. For what, Renee didn't really know.

 

"I want to be your friend again, if you'll let me." She said, hands clasped tightly on her lap. She looked down at her hands while Allison stared at her. Moments passed, maybe minutes, but it felt like hours. Surely this was where Allison rejected her; surely this was the end of them.

 

"What if I don't want to be friends with you?" Allison said finally, voice soft. Renee's hopes were dashed all at once, and she wiped at her teary eyes. She didn't look at Allison, couldn't look at Allison.

 

"I understand," she mumbled. "I'll let myself out." Renee said, standing up to make her way to the door. Before she could get there, Allison was holding her wrist again. Her grip was loose, and Renee could get away if she really wanted to. With Allison so close, with her hand on Renee's wrist and the scent of her perfume, Renee didn't want to leave.

 

"I don't want you to leave." Allison whispered. Renee turned, looking at her with wide eyes. What did she mean? What could that possibly mean? "I'm sorry for forcing you to tell me, that was so stupid. But you know what? If I didn't know that you loved me, it wouldn't have given me the courage to do this." Allison said before leaning in even closer. Then they were kissing, and Renee still had her eyes open. What was happening? Allison's lips were soft, and she was so insistent against Renee. Was it a joke? An experiment? Before she could even begin to process that, Allison pulled away.

 

"I'm not someone you can experiment on." Renee said quietly, hands curled up into fists. Was that all she meant to Allison, after all these years? Allison sighed, rolling her eyes.

 

"Renee, I'm trying to tell you I love you, you dense motherfucker." Allison said. Renee gasped, but before she could say anything more Allison was kissing her again. Renee closed her eyes, hands flying up to frame Allison's face. Allison pulled her closer, hands gripping Renee's hips. Allison's lips were so soft, and she tasted a little bit like toothpaste mixed with bourbon. It was perfect. Allison dragged her teeth down Renee's bottom lip, so Renee opened her mouth.

 

Holy shit, Renee thought, she was making out with Allison Reynolds. Allison Reynolds: trust fund millionaire, fashion designer, serial heartbreaker. Also a great kisser, who knew? Allison's tongue was in her mouth, and Renee thought she was already dead and in heaven. Renee reciprocated as best she could, but it'd been a while since she kissed anyone. She hoped her enthusiasm made up for it. When they parted, both were breathing heavily. Renee pressed one small, chaste kiss to Allison's lips before pulling back.

 

"You love me?" Renee asked. Allison just nodded, smiling. Renee was so happy she thought she would die, if she wasn't dead already. "How long?"

 

"Since we graduated, I think. Well, it was just a crush back then." Allison said, her brow furrowed in thought. "I thought you were straight."

 

"I thought you were straight!" Renee exclaimed, running a hand through her hair. Suddenly, they both broke into laughter (if it was slightly hysterical, Renee wouldn't say anything). "Oh my God, we're idiots." Renee said, still slightly breathless. Then Allison was tugging on her wrist, leading her to the bedroom. Renee's heart went into overdrive, she was sure Allison could feel it. Allison sat on the end of her bed, putting her hands on Renee's hips to pull her in closer. Renee stood between Allison's legs, unsure of what to do. "I don't know if I want to... You know." She said, face aflame.

 

"Fuck me?" Allison said, raising one brow. Renee groaned, hiding her hands in her face.

 

"It's not that I don't want to, just not tonight." Renee said, voice muffled through her hands. Allison's soft hands pried Renee's away from her face. To Renee's great surprise, Allison didn't look affronted at this.

 

"We'll just cuddle or do some other romantic shit." She said. Renee leaned in to kiss her, grateful that she understood. Allison's hands immediately went back on Renee's hips, and Renee cupped Allison's face. Renee jumped a little when Allison grabbed a handful of Renee's ass, breaking their kiss momentarily. Allison's face was the picture of innocence, so Renee just kissed her again. When they parted, Renee rested her forehead against Allison's. "See? This is what I'm talking about." Allison murmured.

 

"So sappy," Renee said. Allison laughed, hands going upwards to rest on Renee's lower back. It was late, and Renee couldn't suppress a yawn.

 

"Let's go to bed. You can borrow some of my pajamas if you want." Allison said. Renee leaned back, putting her hands on Allison's shoulders.

 

"You just want to see me in lingerie." She teased. Allison winked obnoxiously, then did it again when Renee laughed.

 

"You got me." Allison said. She pointed over to the walk in closet behind Renee. "Pajamas are in the top drawers of the chest. Help yourself." She said. Renee was loath to leave, but she didn't want to sleep in her clothes. Renee made her way through Allison's massive closet to find what she was looking for, and picked out a matching set of light blue pajamas. They were really smooth, and probably silk. Renee giggled a little as she put them on. What would anyone think, seeing her in Allison's clothes? It was downright scandalous.

 

Allison wolf whistled when Renee entered the room once more. Renee looked at her with only slight exasperation.

 

"There's an extra toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. Help yourself, I already brushed again." She said. Renee nodded before going to brush her teeth. The toothbrush was where Allison said it would be, a cheap disposable. Once Renee was finished, she set it on Allison's sink instead of throwing it in the trash. Who knew when she'd be needing it again? She entered the bedroom once more, crawling into bed next to Allison.

 

"I love you." Renee said as she laid on her side, looking at Allison. Allison looked back, and reached over the brush a lock of hair behind Renee's ear. Allison leaned in to kiss Renee lightly.

 

"I love you too." She said. Renee closed her eyes. It was exactly what she needed to hear. What she wanted to hear for years. Allison scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Renee. Renee rested her head under Allison's chin, and drifted into sleep quicker than she intended.

 

***

 

When Renee woke up, tangled in Allison, she became completely sure that last night wasn't a dream; some fantasy Renee cooked up to ease her loneliness. She loved Renee back, and that was a fact. Allison was curled around Renee, arms wrapped around Renee's waist. Allison's head was tucked underneath Renee's, and Renee had one hand under her pillow, the other on Allison's back. She didn't want to leave, but she also really had to pee. Reluctantly, she extricated herself from Allison, to a still sleeping Allison's vague protests. She went to the bathroom, and then brushed her teeth.

 

She wasn't sleepy, she was too excited for that. Instead of going back to bed, Renee went to the kitchen. She rummaged through the fridge until she found eggs, bacon, and some fruit to cut up. Renee got to work, whisking the eggs with a fancy stainless steel whisk. It was probably more expensive than all of Renee's cookware, knowing Allison. Suddenly, there were arms around her waist and Renee jumped.

 

"It's just me." Allison whispered before pressing a kiss to the side of Renee's neck. "I thought you left."

 

"Just wanted to make breakfast." Renee said, motioning to the array of food on the granite countertop. "Want to help?"

 

"Not really," Allison said. Renee rolled her eyes. "But, since I'm your gracious host, I will." She said, releasing Renee and coming to stand next to her. She eyed the food, almost suspiciously, while Renee finished whisking the eggs.

 

"You can cube the fruit and put it in bowls." Renee said. Allison nodded before picking out a knife from the knife block, along with a cutting board, and getting to work. They worked in silence, and soon enough breakfast was done. They ate at Allison's dining table side by side.

 

"Here's the thing," Allison began. Renee froze, dreading what could come next. Did Allison want to keep them a secret? "We totally made out last night, and you know I love you. Are we dating?" She asked. Renee relaxed, cursing internally for assuming the worst. She looked at Allison thoughtfully, lips pursed.

 

"Do you want us to be?" She asked carefully. Allison ate a piece of cantaloupe, her face a mask of calm.

 

"I don't do things halfway." She said finally. Renee grinned before kissing Allison's cheek. "We're in love, why shouldn't we date? Let's make it official." She checked her phone, messing with it for a minute. "On February 10th, we officially started dating. Fucking finally," Allison declared before leaning in to kiss Renee. It was sweet (partly because of the fruit), and rather chaste by Allison's standards. When they pulled away, Renee's rested her forehead against Allison's before returning to her breakfast. They ate breakfast while Allison chattered about her new designs, about the gala she'd go to a month down the line. "Hey," she put her foot on Renee's leg.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Want to go to the gala with me?" She asked, eyes full of hope. Renee hesitated, not exactly knowing why. They were dating, but what if Allison's coworkers didn't approve? It could ruin her career, and Renee didn't want to be responsible for that.

 

"I want to say yes." Renee said. Allison quirked a brow at that, motioning for Renee to explain. Renee took a deep breath before beginning: "I don't know what your coworkers would think, what if you get penalized for dating me?" She said. Allison looked at her for a quick moment before laughing.

 

"This is New York City, they can get the fuck over it." She said. Renee smiled at that, happy that Allison wasn't ashamed of her. Then again, was Allison ever ashamed of anything?

 

"Then yes, absolutely." Renee said. All of a sudden Allison was kissing her again. Renee could get used to this. They parted, and Allison was grinning like a madman.

 

"Our dresses have to be absolutely killer. We're going to serve some damn looks at this gala." She said. Renee just shook her head, knowing she'd go along with whatever Allison cooked up. "I'll pick out your dress, it'll be amazing!"

 

"I'm sure." Renee said. Maybe it would be another awkward work function, but they would be going as girlfriends. That simple fact made it all worthwhile.

 

***

 

Renee was making out, once more, with Allison freaking Reynolds. They were at Renee's apartment, a movie playing in the background, while Allison straddled Renee. Well, Renee thought, it wasn't like the movie was that good anyways. Allison's hand snuck its way up Renee's shirt, settling just underneath her bra. Renee had one hand in between Allison's shoulder blades, one on the small of her back.

 

Allison pulled back, they were both breathing heavily. Then, Allison grinned mischievously before moving Renee's hand further down so it was on her ass. Before Renee could process that, Allison's lips were pressed against hers again, so nothing else really mattered. They'd been dating for two weeks, and it was like being her best friend with a lot more kissing. Renee liked holding her hand when they were out in public, loved it when Allison texted her rows of hearts on a random basis, and she always enjoyed movie nights (most of the time that was code for make out nights). Allison's hand moved upwards, brushing over her bra and instead landing on her cross necklace.

 

Allison broke the kiss, staring pensively down at the necklace. Renee frowned before tipping Allison's chin up with one hand. Their eyes met, and Allison's blue eyes were stormy.

 

"What's wrong?" Renee murmured. Allison sighed, shaking her head. "Allison," she tried again.

 

"You're a Christian, yet here you are making out with your girlfriend." Allison said suddenly. It was almost an accusation, and Renee knew that any misstep would drive Allison away.

 

"Not all of us are bigots. When Stephanie saved me, she helped me find my faith." Renee paused, not sure where exactly she was going with this. Allison looked at her expectantly, lips pressed into a thin line. "I remember one time at church, the minister started spewing this vitriol about gay people. He said they were sinners, and they needed to repent for their lifestyle. Stephanie fumed the whole time, and when the service was over we immediately left. On the ride home, I asked her what was wrong. Do you know what she told me?" She said. Allison shook her head, biting her lip. "She told me that God made gay people that way, and He loved them for it. Who was she to judge God's creations? That's what I think too, that's why this can happen, and I don't think I'm a sinner for it."

 

"Oh," Allison said, barely audible. She took her hand away from the cross, resting it on Renee's neck. "I like the way you look at the world." She said, offering Renee a small smile. Renee pressed a short kiss to Allison's lips before Allison rolled off her. They sat side-by-side, thighs touching. "Well, I'm pretty sure I ruined the mood."

 

"Maybe a little." Renee said, finding Allison's hand and holding on tight. Renee returned her grip. The movie was still terrible, a mess of bad CGI and corny lines. "Let's find another movie."

 

"Agreed."

 

***

 

It was the night of the gala, and Renee was standing in front of one of Allison's full-length mirrors. She examined herself, and the black dress Allison chose for her. It was knee length, all sharp angles with gold detailing. It was almost businesslike, but managed to be elegant at the same time. She did a spin, feeling incredibly silly. Allison also did her makeup, and her eyes were lined with heavy winged eyeliner, her lipstick a shade of red so dark it was almost black. Allison mostly left her hair alone, opting to braid a section of the hair framing her face back, and secured it with bobby pins. Honestly, she felt almost like a different person. It just proved that Allison was great at her job, and she was looking forward to seeing Allison.

 

Allison refused to let Renee see her until she was completely done, and was currently in the bathroom doing hair and makeup. Renee checked her phone, sighing when she realized they'd be late. That was on purpose, knowing Allison, so they could make an entrance. On a whim, she took a selfie and sent it out to the Foxes. The responses ranged from a heart eyes emoji from Dan and various excited messages. Andrew, predictably, only responded with one word: murderous. She wanted to think he meant it figuratively.

 

At that moment, Allison emerged from the bathroom. Her dress was black too, sleeveless, and floor length. It was a flowing affair of wispy black fabric and gold roses detailed into the skirt. Her makeup was dramatic as well, with gold eye shadow and dark lipstick. Allison did a little spin, shooting an expectant look at Renee. Renee crossed the room and hugged her, knowing that if they started making out they'd never leave (and ruin their makeup, but that was beside the point). Allison pulled back, giggling madly.

 

"We are absolutely amazing, I can't wait to see their faces!" She said. Then she went to the full-length mirror and examined herself, adjusting her dress slightly. "Take a selfie with me!" She said, holding her hand out to Renee, who crossed the room to take it. Allison wrapped her arm around Renee's waist, and took a selfie. They were both smiling brightly, leaning against each other. The Foxes already knew about them, because nothing could ever stay a secret between them. Allison sent it out in the group chat, smirking at the response. The Foxes were, again, excited. Except for Andrew and Neil, who didn't respond to the selfie. Well, Neil sent a single thumbs up emoji, so Renee would take what she could get.

 

"We should get going, we're already late." Renee said. Allison didn't look up from her phone.

 

"They can stand to wait for greatness." She said flippantly before putting the phone in her clutch. Renee did the same, and with that they were off. They arrived half an hour late, and all eyes were on them when they entered the gala. It was a showcase for popular designers to display their work, and all the clothing worn by attendees and models alike was designed by one of the featured artists. Allison's collection was on theme with the dresses Renee and Allison wore, with notable differences.

 

They stopped and chatted with various people, and Renee mostly let Allison do the talking. She was practically radiant, basking in the praise and occasionally letting loose her brutal honesty. One of the men Allison was talking to (Renee thought his name was Barry), finally looked past Allison at Renee.

 

"Is she one of your models?" He asked before taking a sip of champagne. Allison's smile fell off her face, replaced with a haughty expression.

 

"Renee's my girlfriend, actually." She said. Barry's eyes went wide, and one of the other men coughed a little. Allison was smirking, clearly enjoying their shock. "She could be a model though, don't you think?"

 

"Oh," Barry cleared his throat before continuing. "Of course." He said. Allison said her goodbyes afterwards, and moved on to another group of people in New York's upper tax bracket. Renee talked only a little bit, as the gossip of them dating spread, she was faced with more questions. Most she rebuffed with a smile and polite comment, while Allison refused to answer their questions. Instead, she turned the conversation back to fashion, or picked apart the other person's designs. It was absolutely delightful, and ranked high on the list of Renee's favorite fancy parties. Not that there was stiff competition, to be quite honest. Allison and Renee took more selfies, and Renee knew they would be going up on Facebook soon enough.

 

When the night was finally over, Allison led Renee out to a car driven by one of her private employees, pulling her into the backseat. They kissed like idiots, and Renee tried not to mind that Paul, the driver, was present. He simply rolled up the partition window, and kept driving. Now that they were away from the gala, Allison clearly didn't mind messing up her makeup. When they got back to Allison's apartment, Renee barely got the door closed and locked before Allison pounced on her. They stumbled into the bedroom, kissing all the way.

 

Allison led her onto the bed, pulling Renee down so she was on top of her. They made out for a while, until Allison's hand was on Renee's zipper. She pulled back, looking at Renee questioningly. Renee would be lying if she said she didn't want to, and they were finally together and in love. With that thought in mind, she nodded, and Allison immediately set to work divesting Renee of her clothes. It would be a good way to end the night, Renee thought idly before kissing Allison again. The world faded around them, and all Renee wanted to do was be with Allison in the moment. It was easy enough to do, in the end.

 

***

 

The pictures made it up on Facebook soon after the gala, and Allison made their relationship Facebook official. Renee didn't mind, and was in fact enjoying the attention a little bit. The Foxes, her mom, and Yessica already knew; all the most important people in her life accepted her, and that was more important than what anybody on Facebook thought.

 

***

 

Four months passed. Renee worked at the food pantry, and Allison juggled managing her department and designing at the same time. Their schedules were busy, but they found time for each other. Tonight was a night in at Allison's apartment, and they would be watching a series of bad movies to laugh at them. Renee was making popcorn while Allison was setting up the first movie. Renee had to admit that _Sharknado_ was a great place to start. With the popcorn in a large bowl, Renee made her way to the living room. Allison was sitting on one of the couches, so Renee joined her, putting the bowl of popcorn on her lap.

 

Allison immediately reached over and stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Renee pressed play, and settled in for a horrifying yet simultaneously hilarious experience. The night passed with lots of laughter, a steady stream of commentary from Allison, and lots of popcorn. At the end of the night, Allison and Renee were lying in bed.

 

"Hey," Allison said, looking up at Renee from where she was lying on Renee's chest.

 

"Hey," Renee said. "What's up?"

 

"I've been thinking." Allison said. Renee frowned, not liking where this was going. When did those words ever herald something good? "About Seth, and his ashes."

 

"Oh?" Renee asked, eyes widened in shock. She didn't expect Allison to bring it up, especially after that conversation ended disastrously last time. Allison nodded and took a deep breath.

 

"You were right. I need to let him go." She said. Renee was silent, unsure of what to say. It was what Renee wanted her to do, right? Why did she feel so shitty about it? _You couldn't fix him._ Renee had said, much to her regret.

 

"Are you sure?" Renee asked finally. Allison nodded again, wiping tears from her eyes.

 

"Can we do it together?" She whispered. Renee nodded before pressing a kiss to Allison's forehead. Allison dropped her head back on Renee's chest, and Renee ran her fingers through Allison's hair as she cried.

 

***

 

To be quite honest, Renee would rather be doing anything than spreading Seth's ashes in the ocean. They barely knew each other when Seth was alive, and he taunted her for being a so-called Jesus freak. Renee wanted to be his friend, just like Allison wanted to help him. Both of them failed. Then, because of Riko's selfishness, he died. It'd be the six-year anniversary in September. However she felt about Seth, she wanted to support Allison.

 

They went out to Coney Island, and were on one of its many beaches. They were away from people, out on the rocky jetty. Allison told Renee about Seth, about the good parts of Seth barely anyone knew. He loved the beach, she said. They didn't live near one where he grew up in Birmingham, but once in a great while they made it down to Mobile or Pensacola. He loved the beach because he felt he could just keep swimming, and nothing would matter other than the water.

 

The more she learned about him, the more Renee understood why Seth was the way he was. Growing up raised by his siblings after his father died, having a mother who worked three jobs to support them must've been tough. Her heart ached for him, and she wished he could've found some peace eventually. She only hoped he was at peace, that spreading his ashes would help Allison.

 

When they were far out on the jetty, the rocks slippery from the constant crashing of waves, Allison stopped. The urn was held in a tight grip in her hands, and she was staring out at the horizon line.

 

"Are you okay?" She asked. Allison didn't answer, just kept on staring. Finally, she nodded ever so slightly. Renee stepped onto one more rock so she could stand next to Allison. Allison was holding back tears. "Are you sure about this?"

 

"We're here, aren't we?" She murmured. Renee nodded, putting a hand on the small of Allison's back. Allison stood handing the urn for a long few minutes until she finally unscrewed the lid. Then, she tipped the urn over, pouring the ashes out slowly. Some were caught in the sea breeze, and flew away. Most went into the ocean, into the crashing waves. Some fell onto the jetty, only to be washed off the sharp rocks seconds later. Renee kept her hand on the small of Allison's back, hoping to be a small source of comfort.

 

When it was done, Allison screwed the lid back on, and stood staring into the sea for another few minutes. Suddenly, she looked up and wiped her tears.

 

"Goodbye Seth. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are." She whispered. Then she cleared her throat and looked at Renee. "Let's get out of here." She said. Allison led the way off the jetty, and the walked hand in hand on the beach. Allison's face was red, her cheeks puffy. Renee only hoped this would help her, even if it was only in some small way.

 

"What will you do with the urn?"

 

"Maybe I'll send it to the Moriyamas." Allison said, smiling wickedly at the prospect. She looked at Renee, who was skeptical at best. "I'm kidding. I think I'll send it to his mom instead."

 

"That sounds like you." Renee said. Allison gave a small, humorless laugh at that. She leaned into Renee as they walked down the beach.

 

"Thanks for doing this with me."

 

"Yeah," Renee said, squeezing Allison's hand tight. "I'm here for you."

 

***

 

Their relationship fell into an easy rhythm, and Renee was truly happy. It lasted six months, then one year, then two. It was the night of their second year anniversary, and Allison was being incredibly secretive with her plans. Renee was waiting anxiously in their apartment to be picked up by Paul, who would be driving her to meet Allison. The apartment was still in Manhattan, but they both wanted a place they picked out together. Renee loved it, of course, and Allison relished in decorating it. There was a knock on the door, and Renee picked up her clutch before going to answer it. Predictably, it was Paul, and he led her out to the car.

 

Paul was tall, buff, and silent. Renee didn't mind so much. In a way, he reminded her of Andrew with his gruff and often monotone responses. In the garage, he opened the door for her and Renee thanked him before stepping into the car. There was a bouquet of white lilies on the other seat, and Renee put them on her lap for the ride over. When they got there, Paul opened the door for her again, and nodded to her once before driving away. He'd taken her to Riverside Park, one that Allison and Renee frequented for their morning jogs. It was spring, so the trees were in bloom and illuminated in the streetlights.

 

Renee made her way through the park, and spotted Allison at one of the benches. The table had lit candles, and what looked to be a lavish Italian meal. Allison got up when she saw Renee, walking over to kiss her.

 

"Happy anniversary." Allison said when they parted. "Do you like the flowers?"

 

"I love them." Renee said. Allison grinned as she led Renee to the table. They sat across from each other. "Did you make this?" She asked, motioning to the meal.

 

"No," Allison said with a grin. "It's takeout from Carmine's." She said. Renee nodded, looking forward to the meal. Carmine's was their favorite and, according to Allison, the best Italian restaurant in the city. Without further ado, they began to eat. It was as good as Renee remembered; their eggplant Parmesan was absolutely divine.

 

"So," Renee said as she wiped her mouth with the napkin. "Why take me to the park when we could've gone to Carmine's?" She asked. All of a sudden, Allison looked nervous. Renee quirked a brow, wondering just what was going on. Was someone going to pop out of bushes and start singing to her? Was Allison going to start singing? She hoped not, Allison couldn't carry a tune to save her life.

 

"Well," Allison said as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Do you remember our first date?" She asked. Renee nodded, thinking back to the chilly early spring day when they'd had a picnic. "I wanted to take us back here, so we could remember how we started. I loved you for years, without knowing you loved me too. You are my world, and when I'm with you, you make me feel like I can be a better person." She said, a beautiful smile gracing her lips. Renee smiled back, her heart swelling. "I love you so much, I love how you always try to see the positive. I love your smile, and I love waking up next to you every morning. I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life." She said. Oh my God, Renee thought. Was it happening? "That's why I have to ask you," Allison said as she produced a small black box from her clutch. "Will you marry me?"

 

Allison opened the box, and revealed a surprisingly simple engagement ring. The band was silver, and there was a modest diamond surrounded by two small sapphires on each side. Allison was looking at her expectantly, and a little nervously as well.

 

"Yes!" Renee exclaimed. Finally, she thought. Allison slipped the ring on Renee's finger, and walked around the table to lean down and kiss Renee. Renee cupped Allison's face, kissing her back with enthusiasm. When they parted, both girls were grinning. "Let's get married." Renee said.

 

"Our wedding is going to upstage everyone else's, I'll make sure of it." Allison said, her grin turning mischievous in a second. Renee laughed before pulling Allison in for another kiss, smiling against her lips. She loved Allison, and Allison loved her back. It was that simple, it always would be.


End file.
